Fort Worth Museum of Modern Art
Fort Worth Museum of Modern Art
My entire life has been centered on being loved. I’m a people pleaser, running around trying to make me liked by my friends, family, strangers too. If it could make someone sad, I wouldn’t do it. It sound like a positive lifestyle, but it’s destroys my life. I can never think about myself, not even for a second. All I want is for someone to love me, someone to tell me I’m here for a reason, I’m worth it, and I can get through it.
I see all my friends in relationships, romantic and platonic.
They worry about my friends. About their feelings. Do people worry about me sometimes? Do they wonder what I’m thinking about? Would they care?
I might have high expectations, but I just really want someone to be here for me. I never feel like my friends understand.
Gosh, I just need someone I can hug.
I used to have someone. But that ship has sailed in a different but happier direction. But not me. I’m still here, stranded on this island.
Someone, anyone, please just love me.
Is this too much to ask?
There are moments where I want to catch moments of my life and put them into my jar of thoughts so whenever I’m sad and lonely, I can relive them.
I fantanize about this because I know it’s foolish.
I’m that person who always gets the same order at a restaurant. I always put seven bits of granola in my yogurt. I always drink peach lemonade. I always say yes. I always end up giving in to everything.
I love the word always. In addition to just looking elegant, it gives a sense and certainty and finality. It’s a source of comfort to me.
But always is almost always a lie.
“I will always be there for you.”
“I will always help you.”
“I will always miss you.”
“I will always love you.”
None of these things can be guaranteed. Friends can not be with you forever. People who have touched your life will soon take a different path in life and your roads may never cross again. People will forget about you and your name will be nothing but letters to them. People will stop loving you. It will happen. It always happens.
So when you tell me “always”, I love that you would go so far as to dedicate a part of your life to me, but I’m somewhat realistic. I know it won’t be always, I know you have bitten off more than you can chew.
These thoughts of no permanence in this world makes me sad. More than sad. Hours of staring at my ceiling thinking of every “always” and every person I have loved and who has touched my life.
But if anything, this has taught me to enjoy what you have now. “Always” can’t be realible, but you can always count on here and now.
I love being with people. At the same time, I hate it. I don’t want to get too attached to someone. I’m clingy. I get addicted to someone easily. I tell myself to stay away from others and to stop loving so completely because I know I will be hurt when they aren’t here for me. I grasp for a hand to hold and gasp for air to breathe but it’s not there. People are worth loving but it’s too risky for me. If you are close with me, I will love with all my heart but I’ll be too afraid to show it. I say this but I can’t help it. I know I’ll be unintentionally hurt by you but I’ll love you anyway. I’ll cling onto your hand even if you hit me with it.
Not great writing today. Sorry, I just felt like getting it out of my system.
To my known three readers:
The first: Thank you for all you’ve done for me. I promise to try to change my mentality, in the future. I can’t now and I don’t know why.
The second: I’m actually not sure if you read this but yeah. Thank you too. Even when you say you don’t know how to help me, you make me feel better. And your problems are worth worrying about to. Don’t undermine your obstacles.
The third: I love you.
So true ❤
As I write this, there are seven teens asleep in my basement. My son and his friends came back from their high school dance in high spirits last night. Laughing and joking loudly, they boisterously descended on my kitchen, devouring everything within reach (even some chips that I thought I had hidden pretty well). These guys were the human equivalent of an invading colony of army ants, foraging insatiably through my refrigerator.
Now these boy-men are dead to the world, asleep in a puppy pile on my basement floor. And I have to be honest – I am loving every single thing about these teens. In fifteen plus years of parenthood, I have grown accustomed to – perhaps, in some ways, inured to – the many and diverse aspects of wonder in…
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So recently I’ve discovered that I have been a suffering victim of the Internet. The Internet is an outlet for many things. I use it for entertainment, for communication, and to share my life. However, after being the person sitting behind the screen for so long, I’ve noticed that I’ve been big fan of saying but not doing. I’ll write stuff about how I have such big dreams to go out in life and make an impact on the world, but in reality, the chances that I’ll start my own nonprofit are zero to none. Sometimes I find this kind of sad because I’m just too lazy to try anything. Sometimes I feel like entertainment and technology have shown so many experiences, that going out and doing those experiences ourselves doesn’t feel the same anymore, it just seems to have no purpose.
I guess these are just the pros and cons of using the Internet, but I really hope as my generation grows older that we realize that some things are worth doing and not just seeing them being done by others. Seeing a collection of pixels will never be the same as feeling the sunshine on your face as you zip line down a mountain. So if you haven’t achieved that dream, go out and do it. Show the world that you’re just not a person behind the screen, incapable of achieving your goals in life. Show the world that you can do what you say.
Ah Jessica. You were such a strange child growing up. You hated being out of your comfort zone so much that you didn’t dare try anything out of the ordinary. You always went with what your friends decided to do. When you had an idea of your own and decided to share it, you were always so scared of how people would judge you and your ideas. You were guarded and safe. You always shared everything you had because you felt like you had an obligation to.
You should of tried harder and thought about your future a bit more. You should of known that all your innocent oblivious days playing outside wouldn’t it last forever. You tried hard in your grades, but you never exceled your own expectations for yourself. While your friends were skipping grades, winning awards, and attending competitions, you were in a corner of the library reading books. Why were you so afraid to try? You could of had so many experiences, but your chances were all ruined by your low self esteem.
You should of embraced change. Change, although scary, can be a positive thing. Instead of being afraid, why didn’t you just rise to the challenge? It wasn’t even that hard when you were seven or eight.
You should of been less careful. You should of been more carefree and filtered your words less. You should of been self confident and spontaneous and fun. You were shy and timid in your words and actions. You worried too much about absolutely ridiculous and trivial things.
You should of tried harder to do something to solve the problem. You gave up too quickly. Maybe all those fights could of been avoided if you had just stepped in earlier. Maybe if you had interfered more there would of been less conflict. Instead, you hid in your room and cried yourself to sleep. That didn’t accomplish anything whatsoever.
You should of had lower expectations for the world. You were a dreamer with no direction. You would stare out the window at midnight and wish on everything: dandelions, shiny pebbles, lucky pennies, and wishing wells. You were such a complete hopeless romantic. You crossed your fingers and toes for the day that you would be swept off your feet.
Regardless, you have made me who I am today. That could be considered negative or positive. You gave me my fear, humility, trust, love, and hope. Most importantly, you gave me my future along with endless possibilities. And it is for this that I thank you.
It’s always a good thing to plan ahead. It calms your mind, knowing that you have a plan for what’s next.
However, living in the future is dangerous. You live for the outcome, not the journey. This results in your present being threatened. You’re so absorbed in thinking about what will happen next you can’t focus on what’s happening now.
Live in the present. It makes life more enjoyable and interesting. You’ll miss too much if you’re always looking too far down the road.
There’s something about your existence being aknowledged that just makes your heart soar, doesn’t it? Something about my friends mentioning my name or caring about me just makes me feel good. It’s like a stable anchor on land in my ocean of thoughts. It makes me feel wanted.
I had difficulty thinking of what to write about today, but as usual, my ultimate inspiration came from Facebook, because social media has completely replaced the Muses.
I just realized how far I would go to feel wanted and to belong to something or someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be known as Jessica. I want to be known as someones friend.
I know this is human nature, but this is probably part of why I’m such a hopeless romantic. I love to think that when all things fail in the world, there will be one thing or person that will always be there for me.
Still searching for it.